Here’s Why Saying It Matters in a Long-Term Relationship

“I really like you.”
“Ich liebe dich.”
“Te amo.”
“Jag älskar dig.”

Irrespective of which language you say it in, “I really like you” stays a fairly large deal in modern-day romantic relationships.

However what do you do when your associate doesn’t say it? Or by no means says it?

This was the case for me and my ex-boyfriend of three years, who by no means stated these phrases throughout the whole time we had been collectively.

I’d prefer to preface this text by saying that too many people throw across the phrase “love.” We’d say we love a band, we love a sweater from J.Crew, and even we love somebody we solely met two occasions. From my perspective, the phrase itself loses which means when it’s stated too usually, and never within the context through which it’s usually initially meant (i.e. to a romantic associate whom you’ve grown to belief and respect).

And to be honest to my ex, he’s a stunning man. He simply wasn’t, effectively, my individual. (I discovered my individual two years after my ex and I broke up and he’s now my husband of 1 yr.)

However on the time, dwelling with my associate who, for all intents and functions, was dedicated to me, cared for me, and shared his life with me, I couldn’t comprehend why it was so troublesome for him to utter again these three little phrases, “I really like you.”

I’ll always remember the day I instructed him I liked him. We’d been collectively for a bit of over seven months and had been dwelling collectively for one. It was a dreary November day in Stockholm (the place we lived) and I used to be starting to develop involved that we hadn’t but exchanged I really like yous. Every thing else was going easily, I assumed, so maybe he was reluctant to say it first as a result of he didn’t understand how I felt.

He got here dwelling that afternoon to search out me sitting on the sting of our mattress, with tears in my eyes. I bear in mind him dashing over and kneeling on the ground subsequent to me, trying imploringly for affirmation that one thing horrible hadn’t occurred.

With out lacking a beat, I merely stated, “I really like you.”

After which there was silence. It could have solely lasted thirty seconds but it surely felt like an eternity, ready for him to substantiate the very feeling I had been feeling for months.

As a substitute, he wrapped his arms round me and stated, “I am keen on you, that.”

Whereas the phrase “I am keen on you” is definitely a gorgeous sentiment, it wasn’t precisely what I needed to listen to at that second. And though I received’t expose every little thing that was mentioned between us that afternoon, what grew to become very clear to me was simply how a lot these phrases mattered. (If it’s any indication, my love languages are bodily contact and phrases of affirmation.)

At first, I used to be positive that he’d ultimately say it—his actions didn’t recommend something in any other case, so I figured it’d solely be a matter of time earlier than he’d say it again, on his personal phrases, and our lives might proceed on as regular.

Months glided by, after which years, and nonetheless no “I really like you.” Though playing cards for our anniversary or my birthday started to incorporate the phrase “love” on the finish, it was a short lived comfort for one thing I so desperately needed to listen to. I even bear in mind frantically Googling at one level, “Why doesn’t my boyfriend say he loves me?” As if Google might by some means clarify the interior workings of my associate’s head.

Solely shut family and friends knew that he hadn’t stated “I really like you” again and whereas some had been shocked, given how severe our relationship appeared to be from the outset, others would attempt to guarantee me that saying “I really like you” is a much bigger deal in numerous cultures and doesn’t essentially imply something. In my coronary heart of hearts, I knew higher. I knew that the correct individual for me would have zero qualms about professing his love and would inherently perceive that this was one thing I wanted to listen to as a way to really feel safe.

I believe I started to really feel like an impostor in my very own relationship, enjoying the position of somebody who satisfied herself that it was OK to be with somebody who couldn’t say “I really like you.”

Looking back, I believe I started to really feel like an impostor in my very own relationship, enjoying the position of somebody who satisfied herself that it was OK to be with somebody who couldn’t say “I really like you.” However after some time, this didn’t sit effectively. I discovered myself turning into an increasing number of delicate to these three little phrases and immediately each movie I noticed, T.V. present I binged, or dialog I overheard by some means jogged my memory of the truth that I used to be in a relationship with somebody who couldn’t, for no matter cause, echo that very same sentiment again.

In the end, we ended our relationship for different causes however I can’t assist however assume that this factored into it by some means. How will you construct a life with somebody if they will’t even inform you they love you? Though it was a mutual resolution in the long run—and a troublesome breakup given our lives had been intertwined—it made me much more decided to not accept something lower than what I knew I deserved. And for me, this meant somebody who might say “I really like you,” with out reservations, with out coercion, and with out guilt.

The opposite day I used to be scrolling via Instagram and noticed a publish from US Weekly that reported on a pair from the fact T.V. present, Bachelor in Paradise (sure, a responsible pleasure of mine), about how the man doesn’t say “I really like you” to his girlfriend of two years.

In line with him, he stated, “I simply hate saying the L-word phrase, so I used to be like, ‘Let’s make up a distinct phrase, so we don’t need to say that to one another on a regular basis.’” I learn this and couldn’t assist however really feel for the woman. How might she not really feel slighted by this? It doesn’t matter what she says, or how “cool” with it she claims to be, I firmly consider that exchanging “I really like yous” along with your associate is a pure factor and will occur sooner or later.

In the identical vein, I additionally consider that love shouldn’t be compelled and for those who don’t assume you’ll ever really feel that manner for somebody, you shouldn’t say it. Simply as not saying “I really like you” might be devastating, so can saying “I really like you” when actions don’t line up with phrases.

I got here throughout an article from Time that talked about this very matter, explaining how our modern-day relationships simply don’t comply with the identical guidelines that these in our mother and father’ technology did. In line with this text, relationships then had been “roughly linear” and adhered to a ordinary sample—relationship, solely relationship, falling in love, saying “I really like you,” partnering up, getting married and/or breaking apart and beginning the entire course of over once more.

Now, it’s all concerning the grey space, or the paradox. In line with Scott Stanley, a analysis professor in Psychology on the College of Denver, the rise in cohabiting {couples} is what he calls the bottom zero for ambiguous relationships. In different phrases, you is perhaps planning a future with somebody, however that future may additionally be short-term. So, maybe not saying “I really like you” is only one technique to defend your self from potential harm.

No matter my ex’s causes had been for not saying it throughout the course of our relationship, the actual fact of the matter is that he didn’t say it, not even when he knew how a lot it meant for me to listen to it from him. Love takes time, and folks transfer at totally different paces, however from my perspective, there’s a time restrict on when you need to minimize your losses and transfer on. I realized this the exhausting manner however I’m grateful for it, provided that it led me to my husband, who I’m joyful to report brazenly verbalizes his love for me, every day.